Lately I’ve been feeling like a shitty mother. & it has everything to do with lack of time.

One of the main reasons it didn’t work with her father was our differing beliefs. Whereas I don’t believe in putting anything before Evelynn, he had gone six weeks without seeing her for one reason or the other. But this past week, I hate how I’ve been feeling like a hypocrite. Between two part-time gigs, I haven’t been able to spend much time with Evelynn. & it’s hitting me hard. Dedicating fifty or sixty hours a week to work has greatly reduced time spent with Evelynn. I didn’t see her for almost 48 hours because of how my shifts were set up. Typically, I have a “rule” of always being home either in the morning or at night everyday, but it didn’t work out that way last week. It was depressing.

My mother is the most stable person in Evelynn’s life. She’s a stay at home mom who can rarely leave the house due to Taylor’s situation. There are times when Evelynn only wants her grandma and it’s painful to watch. I had set an entire day this past week to Evelynn, but instead I spent it in Grand Rapids recovering from the previous night’s escapades. I spent the day close to tears and feeling like a failure. It was the third time this year I had gone out with friends I hadn’t seen in months. I know I deserved a night out and away but it didn’t make me feel better. It still doesn’t. I got home with time to say goodnight to Evelynn and not much else to spare. I begged coworkers to work my morning shift so I could spend it at home with her. They couldn’t. After a long day of both gigs, once again I didn’t make it home until after dinnertime.

What do I keep telling myself? The “creating a life” and “financial stability” excuses don’t work for me. I might spoil the hell out of Evelynn but none of that means anything if I can’t spend time with her. No, it’s the setting an example to chase dreams. It’s the idea that if she were in my same position twenty-five years down the road, she wouldn’t let being a single mom hold her back from accepting work positions and doing well. Because I don’t ever want her to settle, not in anything.