Monthly Archives: February 2019

Feb28

Looks Be Damned, More Coffee Please.

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IMG_6465I always seem to be the girl at the center of every coffee joke, meme, or purchase item; constantly tagged by friends, family, and even strangers. Yet, I’ve never dated a guy who drank coffee.

You read that right: not one of my exes drank coffee. I’ve been racking my brain trying to remember one who did. Instead, every single one of them refused to touch the beverage and would quote, “It just means there’s more for you and I’ll never be the cause of why you might run out of coffee. So I can never piss you off.” Translation: “I’m never responsible for buying it and I don’t support your Starbucks runs.” Which sadly aligned well with most of the nonequal relationships by the end.

Lesson: pay attention to the little things; their voices will be shouting by the end.

Last weekend I got stood up again and I’m starting to actually wonder if this is the trait at the core of my dating issues. Sad part: I can’t even tell if I’m joking. (Insert slap face emoji.)

We’re only two months in the year and I have been stood up 4 times. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t hurt or doesn’t break me just a little every time it happens. It comes to the point where I never get hopes up with dating and always expect the guy not to show. That’s become my norm.

That is sad. That’s crazy.

It’s so early in the stages of getting to know someone, it makes you question your looks. The person has yet to know you on any deep level. Their attraction at the beginning is almost entirely based on looks. Basic attraction. That’s why first dates happen, to see if there’s a human interaction connection.

It makes me question if I’m pretty enough and I hate that.

Anyone who knows me well, or well enough, will tell you I hate promoting the “look good feel good.” I despise promoting the fitness for looks goals and Tuesday Transformation posts. I’m the girl wishing everyone felt confident in their own skin because they feel good, because the endorphins from working out has a positive impact on happiness. I hate when people associate looks with size—don’t worry, I won’t go into the skinny beautiful rant again, I’ve done that enough.

Yet, I’m the girl questioning my looks. There’s my confession. I am allowing my subconscious to pick apart my body.

Every voice that pops up in my head to tell me I’m not good enough because I’m not pretty enough, I have to tell take a hike. The voices that pick apart my skin, size, hair, shape….we fight constantly. Here’s the thing though: I refuse to let her win.

There’s a kicker, though.

Lately I’ve been asking myself this one question: How can I feel confident in my own skin and love my body when I’m constantly allowing this voice to pop up in my head, telling me, you’re not pretty enough, what’s wrong with you? It’s a crazy paradigm. It’s irony. I’m at the best I’ve felt in my own skin and yet, this voice is just nagging and there. It doesn’t matter if I tell her she’s wrong or that I do love my body. It doesn’t matter that when she tells me, “your back is scared” or “you’ve got rolls instead of a flat tubby” I turn around and say, “Well, so the fuck what? That’s life. Doesn’t matter. She’s still there and I still get stood up.

Reality: It’s a continuous journey. Sometimes, I like to call it an ego check; it’s what keeps us humble.

 

PERCEPTION.

per·cep·tion

A way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression.

Here’s today’s thought: How often has your perception of yourself been influenced by the negative actions of other people?

You can’t control how people perceive you but you can control your actions and your mindset. Despite common belief, you can choose to be happy with yourself. You can choose to accept yourself but why only accept yourself? Why stop there?

So, here’s to the one who is having trouble loving yourself:

  • You are smart. If you don’t feel smart, read more and always be curious.
  • You are strong. If you don’t feel strong, lift more and be more active.
  • You are kind. If you don’t feel kind, do 3 things every day to bring kindness to someone and make at least one of those acts of kindness to a stranger.
  • You are loved. If you don’t feel loved, love more—those around you and yourself.
  • You are exquisitely beautiful. If you don’t feel exquisitely beautiful, start every day by telling yourself one thing you love about your body and why.
  • You are ALIVE. Nothing else matters. Be happy that you can enjoy what it’s like to fill your lungs with air, to feel the ground beneath your feet when you walk, and to taste your favorite food.
  • You are YOU. Nobody gets that superpower. Fall in love with yourself for that alone.

Don’t be on the wrong side of loving yourself. The world—you—has enough critics. And anyone who doesn’t love you, fuck them. Seriously, life is too short. Too short for stupid boys and questioning your looks or your worth.

Besides, I’d rather have a good cup of coffee with a guy who brings me up and doesn’t make second guess myself.

 

Feb22

I’ll take the fitness, Pot.

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Beachbody didn’t give me my beach body. It didn’t give me my love for fitness and it wasn’t the platform that taught me how to eat healthy. It didn’t give me discipline. It didn’t give me a drive or light the fire within me. It didn’t make me realize my dreams or give my inspiration. I had that hard work ethic and was digging for my goals before I ever joined the Beachbody community. It didn’t give me this large sense of belonging—I’m introverted AF. However, at a time in my life when I had no ability to attend a gym regularly, it gave me consistency. For the days I need therapy and I can’t get to the gym because HELLO career woman living the single mom life, it’s allowed me to push play within minutes.

You, a friend, telling me I’ve joined a cult that you’ve done no research on as you sit on your throne of a couch and judge, can move along. You, a stranger, who knows nothing about me or my life as you do your own fitness journey and promote activity—”do any activity”—but judge, can also move along.

The honest truth: it took me over 3 years to join because previously, it didn’t work for me and previously, I had other methods of staying active. I also didn’t like the coaches who approached me on their high thrones with their copy/paste generic messaging—that’s on them, not the program—telling me how I should live my fitness life. Then, I moved out of my parents with my kid, alone, and had no babysitter and worked 60+ hour weeks. I researched at home fitness programs, and then I researched coaches of such programs. It worked for me, and now you’re telling me there’s a fault in being active? At $99 a year?

Am I fan of the tiered marketing system? No. However, it’s brilliant. Catered to the stay at home mom feeling in a slump; the overweight or depressed female insecure for the gym; the fitness enthusiast who has career goals but also wants to share her love for fitness and health with the world; the extrovert fitness gal. Anyone. And you’re labeling it all as a cult without ever trying it or actually looking into it? They don’t force your hand, they provide you options. What you do with it is up to you.

There is a cancel option.

How’s the Kettle, Pot?

There’s no one-size fits all fitness program & unfortunately, I don’t agree with many things in the Beachbody community but hey Pot, that’s life.

I recently joined Planet Fitness and let me tell you, their whole “Judgment Free Zone” epitomizes the hypocrite label. Again, not perfect. Are you also going to make fun of the obese man doing cardio for an hour because I’ll applaud the man just like I’ll applaud the lunk (is that the word PF uses?) who grunts to clean 300lbs. They’re more active than most of the population. I don’t care how one chooses to be active—hi Free Will, welcome to the party—as long as they’re active (and not hurting anyone). If they want to eat like crap to balance out their fitness, I might not agree with it, and I certainly won’t hear of their ailments when they suffer from high blood pressure or the doctor tells them they’re at risk of a heart attack, but that’s their prerogative.

Being active is being active.

How you choose to live life will not affect me. How you choose to judge my fitness and health journey, will not affect the outcome of my results.

If you complain about not having time to make it to the gym and being inactive but stick your nose up to any at home fitness program, again, that’s your problem and I don’t want to hear about it. I may not follow the “no excuse” phenomenon but that, Pot, is a shit poor excuse. What’s your next one?

Have I struggled with my name attached to the same company of women I’ve had to personally block from my social media because they bullied me for not wanting to blindly try a product that was never labeled Gluten Free or didn’t believe me when I said I had no Wi-Fi because I lived in the boonies and preferred yoga and the gym? Absolutely. I’m also not a fan of joining the same gym that told me, “Well, he probably didn’t cancel your membership because you don’t look pregnant,” despite me filling out the proper cancellation paperwork. Newsflash, I didn’t “pop” until I was over 7 months along into my pregnancy. Fitness programs, affiliates, and companies are not perfect. (Then again, you’re not either. Yeah, I said that.)

Here’s the thing you’re overlooking in your enthusiasm to blindly label: it’s sales and it’s business. These are women who are running a business, like you sell Arbonne, mortgages, jewelry, real estate, candles, or apparel. If you don’t want to be sold to, turn off your television, cancel your phone plan, and move to the wilderness.

Beachbody simply decided to create a company that allowed women, many of whom seem to be introverts, to turn their passion for the lifestyle into a fitness on a platform (social media) that allows them to feel comfortable breaking out of that introvert shell. That doesn’t make it a cult, it makes it a brilliant marketing campaign. BBG could do the same and from the research I’ve done, it looks like 1stphorm has done the same to some degree. The difference is Beachbody thrives on community and friendships so VOILA: “cult” aka more accurately labeled SUCCESS.

If you’re going to judge these women for taking control of their health, turning it into an income, falling in love with themselves, and wanting to empower others to do the same, well, you’re just as bad as the coaches who believe Beachbody is the “only” fitness method.

Congratulations Pot, you found Kettle.

Now, as for me and my fitness journey, you can find me either at the gym or doing triple bears in my living room with my 4-year-old daughter. As long as I’m consistently active and pursuing my health, I don’t care what my method is.

At home workout bonus: my kid plays witness to an active and healthy lifestyle and can join in. I’ll pay another $99/year for that gem.

Feb13

Put down the scissors, girl.

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image1 When I first saw this photo, I was physically pained. I’m talking gut clenching, throat constricting, breath catching, eyes burning because I might cry type pain. And every time I look at this photo I have that same reaction. The harsh reality is there are girls who want to do this. There are women who are so into health and fitness because of body image that it impacts their daughters and women around them negatively. There are women who are so depressed with how they look that they let it define their happiness. They base how they feel on how they look instead of how they look on how they feel. Even when they’re doing something about it, they let that inner mean girl just bash every tiny roll or skin imperfection.

It’s difficult to witness.

I’m terrified for my daughter.

I struggle with self-acceptance. As much as I preach about it, I struggle sometimes, too. I have a difficult time taking compliments from people and I hate to admit it’s because of relationships. Our relationships largely define our mindset. They define how we speak to ourselves. The number of times I’ve been cheated on and played, it’s taken a hit on how open I am to dating. I don’t see how the next guy can see something attractive in me that previous guys couldn’t find good enough to stick around.

And it’s created an intense pickiness where I find very few men interest me enough to date.

How we let others treat us mimics how we treat ourselves. I no longer will let a man make me feel insignificant, small, unworthy, boring, incapable, or invisible. I no longer will allow a man to define his interest in me based solely on my body.

This goes beyond just dating, though. Family, friendships, and work place relationships all define how we see and speak to ourselves.

I still can’t get over how a guy I dated long-term never once complimented my worth (without someone telling him to) until I dropped from a size 5 to a size 0, and over 20lbs. Y’all, a size 5, 140lbs. at 5’5” isn’t that big when it’s mostly muscle and ass. I became bone thin. Was the guy waiting for me to cut off my fat?

I was now skinny fat and couldn’t take a compliment to save my life. The term “skinny” had such a rotten taste in my mouth—still does, some days. And his compliment: “You’re the hottest chick here. Don’t break up with me because every girl who does gets fat.” This is why when the only compliment a guy can give me is on my looks, I don’t stick around.

Health is rolls and health is bone. More importantly, health is how you fuel your body with food and activity. Health is how you speak to yourself.

I like people who want to bring me up because I like bringing others up. I want my daughter to be surrounded by people who bring her up. I want people who are in our corner cheering for us.

Behind this girl is a voice that says, “you’re not good enough,” that’s drowning out the voice that’s yelling, “Damnit you are MORE than enough.”

But I’ll fucking shout it: YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.