I haven’t been dating. I’ve been on the apps and engaging in conversation but that is where it ends. The other day I was asked to participate in a survey and one of the questions was, “What are your hesitations with dating?” It made me pause for a hot second. Took the weekend for me to respond because I knew already knew the answer. I had been thinking about the concept for a couple months. I’m open to dating, I’m hesitant in taking any action.

Dating today is no longer consistent. People come and go. It’s all about attention in the moment. I get stood up a lot because these guys don’t seem to care about dating, they just want you to say yes.

And I want nothing to do with that type of dating scenario.

When guys ask me out, I don’t take them seriously anymore. I don’t get excited. I don’t get stressed. I hardly even plan for it. I’m just like, “Okay, yes,” it’s not like you’re actually going to make it happen anyway. Seriously. That’s literally my vocal and internal response and dialogue. Here’s the thing: the date never happens.

Whatever happened to someone asking you out with a date and time and place in mind. Now, it’s all “Hey want to go out sometime?” “Yeah, I’d love to.” ………silence……….

It’s so very annoying. That lack of preparation highly suggests a lack of enthusiasm. I want to date a guy who wants to fucking date me. Not just go through the motion because it’s expected and we’re both single. No, I want a date where the dude is genuinely interested.

That is, if they ever actually plan on showing up.

I no longer accept dates from guys who are inconsistent in talking. Guys who talk one week every day and then silent for a few weeks and then back again a couple days. Like, no. you’re either interested or you’re not. I don’t care about a busy schedule, it’s “Hello good morning, hope you have a great day!” and a “Hey how was your day?” It doesn’t need to be constant chatting 24/7, but I’m not trying to date a man who can’t be bothered. I also won’t date a guy who asks me out right out of the gates because those have a 100% success rate of standing me up.

Here’s the hypocritical thing: I can’t be bothered. I used to be on my phone so much at my previous gig that I would read a text and not respond because I didn’t have time to engage in conversation; only to forget about the text for 24 hours or until they texted me again. This wasn’t just for dating, this was for anything. Email I was golden on. Email I could own with prompt replies all day. Texting and calling, however, I was on my phone enough for my job that I didn’t want to be on there anymore as is. So when a guy asked me out and I realized I hadn’t been the best communicator or conversationalist, the thought was often followed with the sudden awareness that I simply wasn’t that interested. When I connected with a guy who I was interested with, I made the time to chat. I was busy as hell with a kid on my hip, one hand on the computer, standing at the stove cooking, and still texting with my friend hand. I could have a full schedule and still make the time if I wanted to. Sometimes, there were exceptions but rule no. 1 of controlling your life: embrace the chaos. Rule no. 2: make what you want happen.

When you want to talk with someone and get to know someone, you make the time. There’s no if, ands, butts about it.

Here’s the other thing I often notice: who engages the conversation.

Seriously, if I’m talking with someone and I realize that if I don’t text him first every day then we don’t talk, well, we stop talking. It’s hilarious to me when guys assume this means I’m upset with them after a few hours or a couple days go by when sometimes I’m just too busy and running behind on my day. However, I make my own assumptions too, especially when I let it go—you realize something: disinterest. No matter how great the conversation flowed, it’s hard to remain interested in someone who doesn’t text you unless you text them first.

And don’t get me started on this “Well, I texted you last” bullshit. Honey, this is not high school anymore. I don’t care if you send me 7 texts in a row because some days I was swamped with meetings or some days I’m juggling errands and I do not text and drive so it’s a few hours before I ever respond. And let’s not forget the aforementioned part where I will read a text and promptly forget for hours when I’m busy. No, you don’t sound crazy. You sound like you had something to say and damnit, why not fucking say it? Life’s short to worry later about, know what was that thing I wanted to tell them?? I hate wasting my time on those. I’ll blow a friend up all in one day because I had a million things flying through my mind and before I forgot them I decided to just text what I had to say and we can talk about them later when they’re free. Why is this so complicated?

Maybe I am the crazy one.

Consistency in dating. Consistency is key in anything you want to get results from—fitness, health, career. Why are people so inconsistent in showing interest in someone? I don’t do well with talk. I want the proof.

If a guy asks me out with no plan in mind and without taking time to talk to me, I lose interest. I literally stare at my phone like, is this mofo serious? He wants me to agree to a date without knowing when and where? DUDE. BRO. BRAHHHHHH.

I’m out.

Even if I might not be able to go to the restaurant offered for lack of a celiac friendly menu or can’t do the day initially suggested because I’m mommying it up, at least there’s effort involved. If the guy is going to halfass asking me out, he’s likely going to halfass any relationship. Suddenly, I’m no longer interested. That’s not a relationship I want. Besides, here’s the reality, the things in the beginning are going to be there at the end. Those signs and red flags are in fact smoke signals, foreshadows of the end and how little any dating will last. Those nuances in the beginning, though little, might be something one can’t overlook later once the “honeymoon” phase—or whatever people are calling it these days—is over.

I know me well enough that while I’m quiet and an introvert and not one to talk on the phone ever, communication and effort are key. Without them, I’ll be bored in a week.

And then there’s the guys who ask for my snapshot and not my number. Like seriously, WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE ME FROM? Oh the sweet joys of dating. And then, since the evolution of dating apps, I don’t think I’ve ever been asked out by a guy calling. Never. Not even guys who ask me for my number at the bar. It’s always via text message. And while I’m not usually a nitpicking person but this is something that I notice. I’m expected to meet up with a guy for a date without ever hearing his voice. I’d like to at least know if he’s one of the weirdos who pronounces “milk” funny.

Tip: If you’re going to ask a girl out, at least show you care. Don’t act like she’s only an option right now that you’re already planning on dismissing. Ladies, same thing goes to you. This ain’t no one-way street bullshit. Consistency and communication: it’s the double C’s. You can’t open the door to a relationship or dating happily without them.