I don’t give my daughter nearly enough credit.

Last Saturday morning I had to have the hard conversation with Evelynn regarding what breaking up with a guy means. I was expecting tears, I was expecting some No’s, I was expecting a little resistance to the idea of him no longer being around. The last time I dated someone for a few months, she was still asking about him 10 months later and didn’t take the breakup well.

Instead, the conversation surprised me.

“Evelynn, E. isn’t going to be coming around anymore.”

“Why not? I want him to.”

“Well, remember when we talked about how first I date someone to find out if I can love them and want to be with them forever?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, honey, I just can’t love E. I can’t marry him so I had to break it off.”

“But I want you to marry him.”

“I know, I’m sorry. But he’s not the one for me.”

“But who you going to marry then?”

“I don’t know kid, that’s why I date. To find someone.”

“Well, you can marry my boyfriend.”

And that was that. We were back to her imaginary boyfriend Dugon. No tears. No asking for E. When he came to get his stuff less than an hour later, she asked to give him a hug and a kiss goodbye, told him she hoped to see him again, and it was over.

Like I said, I don’t give her nearly enough credit. Kids are resilient.

That was 36 hours after I had done the deed and broke it off with the guy. I was terrified to have the conversation, but she fell asleep early both nights and I wasn’t able to do it sooner. She had been crazy over him, accidentally calling him daddy, asking him to always stay over or if he’s going to move in. It was too fast for her. I hadn’t expected it. Breaking her heart was the one thing I feared most.

But I’ll never settle. I refuse to settle in love or a lifetime partnership. I don’t want her to think it’s okay to compromise because in the long run, I know I wouldn’t be happy. And I know my happiness (or lack of) can affect her. She is such an empathetic kid. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t love.

And here’s the one thing during the breakup that got to me: when he said, “I wasn’t expecting you to fall in love at all with me.”

Say what now?

It’s so unfair to let someone love you and not love them back, I can’t do it. I won’t do it. And it saddens me to know that he was okay with letting that be.

But I have wondered if I’m capable of loving someone. I know I’m picky, and I know I don’t let people in easy. I can count on one hand the number of really close friends I have, and I don’t even think I can use all five fingers. I’ve never needed someone to know who I am. I’ve never needed someone to care for me. I’ve never needed to rely on others to be happy or get through hard times.

Yes, you could say I’m introvert to the very end.

I can socialize and love a good night’s out. And when 90’s night comes, I’m the girl dancing and singing along to every song without a single care of who might be looking on—I know people notice, I just don’t care.

I’m the introvert with strong self-esteem.

And I don’t want to fix a guy. I don’t believe in “fixing” someone. It’s about accepting them.

In the process of breaking up, turns out he was paranoid I was cheating on him. Despite the fact that I had never given him a reason to doubt me. Soon after the breakup, I was also asked out by someone and I turned the guy down…again. I simply wasn’t interested, in dating or in him at the moment. His response: “I’m never the one for anyone.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard someone say it in response—from him or from another guy when I turn them down. It’s a response that will guarantee a no when asked again in the future, though.

You have to learn you’re good enough for yourself before you can believe you’re good enough for others; before you can chase love. Otherwise there will come a time when you distrust others & how they view you, or you will become so reliant on their view of you. Or, you may just falsely accuse them of cheating or being disloyal. How others see you should not impact how you see yourself. As long as you’re doing good in the world, you’re golden. You have to learn to love yourself first, though.

I hate saying it but I won’t date a man with low self-esteem. I just won’t. I don’t want to be the girl to fix them. I don’t want to fix anyone. I don’t mind helping someone realize their value, but I won’t be the reason for them to see it. And I don’t want to deal with the constant thought of them thinking they’re not good enough for me, that I won’t stick around, or that I’ll cheat on them. At that point, they are placing their fears on me instead of respecting who I am. At that point, they allow their negative self-talk and low self-esteem blind them. At that point, intentional or not, their view of me isn’t healthy or kind.

I won’t be brought down by someone else’s insecurities. I won’t allow it into a relationship. I won’t allow it into a relationship my daughter will inevitably witness. I’ve witnessed friends live in toxic relationships because of low self-esteem. I don’t mind helping someone see their true value, I don’t mind providing someone with the tools and teach them how to have a positive mindset when talking about or viewing themselves, but I won’t date them through it.

Through the process of breaking up with the latest guy, I found out how paranoid he was believing I was cheating on him or talking to other guys. He even had the audacity to ask my daughter if I was bringing other boyfriends home. He played it like he was joking—that’s not a joke I take lightly.

I’ve never understood how one can think so highly of someone & yet be so occupied with the belief or fear that the person is cheating on or leaving them. If I thought someone was cheating on me, I’m confronting them and then very likely kicking their ass to the curb. There are no second chances. There are no games. There are no second guessing. Because at that point, I’ve lost trust. Either in the relationship or with them. And I won’t date someone if I can’t trust them or if I can’t believe in what we have. I won’t date them if I can’t feel secure in our relationship or what we have.

Currently, I’m not sure if I’m open to dating. I’m picky. And the dating pool simply hasn’t been enticing with the games…and did I mention I’m picky? I’m not sure how soon I want to bring my kid into another relationship. Simply put, I’m not sure if I have it in me.

So Evelynn, I guess it’s just you and me, kid. And honestly, I can’t complain about that.