Health and self-love are not 100 percent co-dependent. I loved me when I was deemed slightly overweight, I loved me when I was most definitely underweight. I love me as I am now. Recently, I shared a post on Instagram regarding obesity and health and I still stand by it. If it’s offensive to someone I’m going to assume they need the wake-up call. This is tough love.

“Obesity = Unhealthy.”

Notice nowhere in there does it mention beautiful, wrong, less than, unworthy, ugly, strong, weak, etc. There’s only two words—count them, ONE TWO, two words—obesity and unhealthy.

Now let’s move on.

I don’t know of a single case when a person who is obese (note: I’m saying obese, not overweight) would be given a clean bill of health. I don’t. Obesity is not healthy. Plain as day. I am not okay with magazines highlighting it with bold words of “THIS IS HEALTHY” splayed across the page. It is not something I want my daughter believing. Reality check: Someone who is obese is at higher risk for heart disease, asthma, cancers and tumors, sickness and illness, poor mental health, diabetes, and more.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT SOMEONE WHO IS NOT OBESE IS AUTOMATICALLY HEALTHY.

Read that again.

This also doesn’t mean the goal is to be skinny.

If you don’t know already though, as far as I’m concerned, “skinny” and “fat” are derogatory terms. They mean nothing. The correct terms would be underweight, overweight, obese, or healthy.

When I was slightly overweight (I toed the line basically), no I wasn’t living a healthy lifestyle. I was active but I also drank almost every night—that’s not healthy. I suffered from migraines often because I was undiagnosed with celiac disease and had no idea I needed to give up the gluten. I ate a lot of fatty foods and rationalized it because I played soccer 4 times a week, had a gym membership, and loved to eat my veggies too. Clear as day, though: I overate and drank. I was always sick and heavily fatigued. When I became pregnant, I couldn’t gain weight. Even when I was told to eat ice cream and steak daily (something my doctor made sure to note was unhealthy but in this case I needed to gain weight and it called for desperate measures), I could not gain weight. The placenta levels were so low I was first induced 3 weeks early.

After birth I immediately lost weight and went to the other side of the spectrum.

When I was underweight, I pursued a healthy lifestyle but was still unhealthy. I did all the things: yoga multiple times, worked out semi-regularly, played soccer, eat 90/10 clean. But I was throwing up daily—not intentionally—I had migraines every single week, and I suffered from severe back pain.

I was not healthy in either of these situations.

That does not mean I didn’t love myself. That does not mean I broke myself down.

It means I could be honest with myself and my health. That recognition allowed me to keep going.

Chances are if someone is doing the healthy things but underweight, overweight, or obese, there is something missing or they’re just on their journey. That is okay! There’s age (natural), drinking, eating portions, food ingredients and what they’re eating, and sleep. Then there’s medical reasons.

People simply aren’t born healthy and it’s done, finite, no more work is needed, journey is over. No, one has to live healthy.

It’s my mindset that pushes me to be healthy. And I am the healthiest I’ve ever been for every reason except my size.

I am healthy because I eat a mostly clean well-proportioned diet—I pay a lot of attention to ingredients. I workout regularly. I hardly ever drink. I don’t smoke or take drugs. I am not on antibiotics—gut health wreckers! I don’t drink my calories and I stay away from most artificials (coloring, flavors, additives, sugars—I’m very choosey). I make sure to get 6-8 hours of sleep no matter how hard I’m trying to hustle. I brush my teeth twice a day sometimes three. I keep my coffee to only a 4-cup pot (equivalent to about 20oz.) a day and half the time it goes unfinished. I drink my gallon of water 6 days of the week. When I see myself in the mirror, I avoid picking out my flaws and instead appreciate what makes me look like me—what makes me identifiable in a room full of strangers. I refuse to eat gluten and dairy because my body does not allow for it. I gave up peppers, onions, and nightshades like tomatoes because it makes me break out in acne and makes me uncomfortably bloated. When our bodies have adverse reactions to food, like bloat or acne, it’s our gut or body telling us “hey, maybe we shouldn’t make that a regular thing.” Doesn’t mean we can’t do it, more like it should not be a daily habit.

I would eat donuts every day of my life but the flour and sugar bloat me when it’s in abundance. The longer I go without them, the more severe the bloat because my body isn’t used to that level. Same with popcorn and puppy chow and other baked goods. Freaking love them. Can even make healthier versions—still not going to be a daily occurrence in my life. If I were to eat them daily, I’d gain weight and it wouldn’t be bloat and I can promise you, that would be unhealthy. Other than fueling a good lifting session and making me happy in the moment because I love the taste of them, there is no benefit. None.

Size means nothing when it comes to health but yes it can most definitely be a factor.

One can work out daily and be right in their target weight range, yet unhealthy because of the foods they eat. Or don’t eat. Or because of alcoholism. Or due to smoking. Have you heard of bodybuilders on steroids?

Those fitness competitions? Not everyone does it natural. And that’s a nationally recognized sport based on body composition, size, and looks.

There’s a reason bodybuilders have an average life expectancy of 47 years old: stress on the body and a high animal protein diet. For some, it also includes the use of steroids and the stress on the body when getting off of steroids. Anything that messes with your hormones, is going to wreak havoc on your body. (Note: this is NOT every bodybuilder, though.)

As I said, size means nothing but can be a factor.

My grandmother was obese. Couldn’t fit through a camper door. Couldn’t walk up or down stairs without help of a smaller step and others to aide her along. She retained a lot of water and wouldn’t give up the salt. She had a scooter. She was particular about temperatures because her body couldn’t regulate body heat well. She had scabs in her rolls. She got diabetes. I loved her but there was nothing healthy about that state in life. As she got older it became increasingly difficult to lose weight, a factor of age that’s natural, but she also never really tried. She would complain about her ailments on end, and even gossip about others being overweight or going through weight changes, and then never take any action regarding her own weight or health. She didn’t want to hear the doctors when they told her to drink less water or use no salt. The salt argument was quite a common occurrence—she would never admit being told repeatedly; it was always, “Well that’s the first time I’m hearing that.” When I was pregnant, she had to be told that I was upset with her because we had no idea if she would be around long enough to meet her great granddaughter when it was within her power to choose healthier habits. She was still loved very much by many—my daughter talks about her almost every day, wishing she was still around.

That being said, I stand by obesity equals unhealthy. That’s not insensitive, it’s a truth bomb. If this bothers you it might just be time to reevaluate your health.

If you are obese and don’t mind it, then damn, more power to you. I can’t handle not feeling like I’m living to my full capability—I already said I get annoyed with bloat because I find it incredibly uncomfortable. I fell in love so much with this feeling of not being sick, less migraines, ability to move easily and not get winded on stairs or keeping up with my kid, strength to lift heavy things without pulling a muscle when I was living on my own, and more mentally present that I can’t give that up for anything.

So when I shared this post/quote of “Obesity = unhealthy”. I got a negative message about it and I noticed other friends pulling the passive aggressive defensive move of posting something in retaliation. It was annoying because they completely missed the point—many of these women either don’t choose to strive to be healthy on a continual basis or they keep starting over with long gaps in between. And others do pursue a healthy life they’re just mid-journey. But I was appalled how much people will take the simplest concept completely out of context, starting with the fact that obese and overweight are not the same, one is the severity of the other.

It takes discipline to go after your health. F*ck motivation and your why—discipline gets you there when your motivation doesn’t show up or is nonexistent. It takes strength to say, “Under no circumstance will I give up on myself.” It takes courage to admit, “I am not healthy.” It takes awareness to say, “I am not as healthy as I could be because I keep giving into these vices.” It takes heart to say, “I am not healthy but I love you for who you are and what you can do in this moment but I want more; and I will love you where you want to go, let’s go there.”

Here’s the thing though. When I went back and read through a lot of the comments on the original post/quote, it was by obese or formerly obese people agreeing with it—and they had all chosen to make a change and pursue a healthier lifestyle. Obesity is selfish. People worry about your health. Just like if someone is not eating and underweight, it’s noticed and worried over. Unhealthiness comes in many forms and sizes. (As I said, my daughter misses her great grandmother and wanted more time with her.)

Sometimes—hell, often times—it does feel beyond our control. Take Taylor for instance, he’s about half of what he should likely weigh due to his severe disability, but we never give up on him. He still eats healthy, even if it’s through a g-tube. My mom still fights for answers for him, still does ample research and looks for new studies regarding what she can control: food. Taylor might not be able to workout because of his predicament, but he can eat healthy. He doesn’t have preservatives and my mom packs him with healthy fats for him to hit his calorie count.

I’m not offended if you say Taylor is unhealthy—he’s like 5’4” and 68lbs. with a novel long list of health issues, of course he’s not healthy. I’d be upset if someone connected his personality and beauty to his health status. I’d be upset if someone tried telling me he’s healthy and we can’t control his situation, that we should give up on his eating habits aka what we can control.

Beauty is your heart. Strength is your perseverance and mind. Health is the innerworkings of your bodily systems.

You can be obese and love yourself—damnit you freaking should!—and be loved—you are!—but there’s a line when it comes to this sensitive bs. Unhealthy is unhealthy, let’s not undermine, manipulate, or blatantly deny it—that’s just cause for more unhealth.

Loving your rolls (or bones) doesn’t mean you have to accept being unhealthy or the state you’re in. Choosing to be healthy doesn’t mean you don’t or can’t accept yourself in all your stages of size. You can promote loving yourself while also encouraging others to make healthy choices. It’s simultaneously a very easy concept, a perfect blend of black and white—yet it’s grey.