Monthly Archives: February 2022

Feb15

Calling dibs on single mom status.

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Calling dibs on single mom status.

I’m a single mom. That’s just who I am. I’m a mom who by definition takes care of her kid on her own. A fulltime single mom.

It’s what I’ve known.

I make all the decisions. I pay the bills. I play good and bad cop. I play parent and best friend. I don’t have someone to turn to as backup or support. I don’t have someone to talk through hardships with. I don’t have someone to juggle her schedule with. I figure it out on my own. All of it. There’s no one to argue with when she’s sick and must stay home from school. There’s not many options for me to call to pick up my kid from school if I’m stuck in a meeting or running late. There’s no one to take her to school if I’m sick.

There’s no one to rock paper scissors with on Saturday mornings when she wakes up at 7am and is ready for some dippity eggs and toast. There’s no one to cover for me when I have a debilitating migraine and need a day off spent in bed, amid darkness, quietness, and closed blinds. There’s no one to spend time with Evelynn during the long working days. My daughter is known for being my showing assistant.

It’s not a path well lit. It’s a path lit by just a cell phone with a dying battery that must be made sure to be charged every night.

Aka it’s poorly lit.

Aka sleep isn’t always on my side.

It’s navigated by putting one foot in front of the other and trusting my feet and my heart will take me where I need to go and my head will stop me when or before any shit hits the fan. If I’m not sleep deprived and delusional by then.

I’m doing the job of two. I don’t have someone to lean on at the end of the day for reassurance or backup. It’s just me and that’s draining.

But I’m incredibly grateful for the people I have in my life. The companies I have worked at over the years who help me make it work.

From Hall Financial where Evelynn would go in and sit with the boss man during meetings to Fitness Tee Co. where there was a kid room she could chill in if necessary. I’m grateful for the understanding of flexibility and working from home ability. It’s taught me discipline in keeping a strict calendar, time management, getting work done, the meaning of non-negotiables. It’s taught me that time is our most valuable currency.

It runs out.

I’m grateful for the clients who accept me as a fulltime single mom and choose to work with me. I’m grateful real estate offers me more flexibility as Evelynn gets farther into her education and sports. I’m grateful for Graydon’s and their allowance for Evelynn to come in on sick days or no school days so I don’t have to cancel work. It’s a blessing and one I have never taken for granted. Although, sometimes, I do struggle with understanding why more companies can’t be so accommodating.

Last week, we were kicked out of our place 8:30AM to past 6:30PM with an unusable kitchen so we spent our days at the restaurant after school. I have the most sociable child and I’m not quite sure where she got it from. She has no problem going up to a kid and asking if they want to play her games with her (this happened Monday). Or forcing the bartender’s husband into playing her Nintendo Switch with her (Tuesday). Or asking a couple people at the bar to scooch over so we can fit in (Wednesday). Or, my favorite, the time she roped a regular (now friend) and the bartender into creating barbie clothes out of gloves and napkins with her.

I refuse to be the person who says, “My God, this is so hard. You don’t understand.” Quite frankly, there’s others who have it much worse. I might not be great at asking for help but I know there’s a crowd of people rooting for me; who wish me well. That’s an incredible feeling. Somedays, knowing someone else believes in me, is all I need. That alone is enough to keep me going.

It drowns out the ones wanting me to fail. They don’t even register on my radar. (To the point this is an afterthought.)

Even more, I did choose this path. I had it as my New Year’s resolution to make it on my own, to break it off with the baby daddy. I don’t believe in resolutions…but that one. It was it for me. He hurt me and I was done with him. I couldn’t trust him. He wasn’t a good dad. He wasn’t a good human. I deserved better. Despite all the fear thundering through me, I was going to squish it and set my own path. I was going to teach my daughter that you can make it on your own. I was going to show women that you are worth a hell of a lot more than a bad relationship. I was going to show single moms, nothing is worth staying if you’re not treated well.

So these hard days, these long days, these lonely days; I’ll still take them all. They’re worth a hell of a lot more to me than any day where I was hurt; was degraded and talked down to; made to feel stupid or ugly or unworthy; made to feel less than or not enough.

There are many days I need a nap but the love for this little girl and the life I’m building for us carries me through. She’s my best friend. Even on the days she drives me absolutely crazy, she’s my everything.

I get to see her every day. I get to tuck her into bed every night and sing our I Love You song. I get to teach her healthy eating habits. I get to nurture her into a good human and woman. I get to set her on the path for independence. I get to hear her laugh and make her smile. I get to sing and dance with her. I get to set an example for her.

I get to watch her grow up. Wake up to her and say goodnight.

Mama might need a nap but I’m not missing any of this. If I knew how my days would turn out, I’d choose this path again, without hesitation. Often times, the hardest moments are the most rewarding memories.

I’m a fulltime single mom. I wouldn’t dare change that until it’s well worth changing.

Feb7

Goals, or Commitments.

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Last week I had a one-on-one with my team leader and was asked, “Okay, what is your goal for this year?”

My response, per usual in regards to this question: “First of all, I don’t believe in goals, I believe in commitments.”

I don’t believe in goals. I’m not a fan of the term, to be frank. I find them to be for dream chasers not the go-getters. Too often, I find people don’t set goals that are motivational enough or, more importantly, highlight discipline. Discipline keeps you showing up through the hard times and when motivation is nonexistent. When reaching for a goal, there’s too much of a rollercoaster ride. Folks coast when they reach a high instead of using that adrenaline, that acceleration, to propel them even farther; and then they hit a low and this cycle repeats.

Goals offer an illusion. Something you want to strive for, a wish. When you break a goal down, it’s nothing more than a wish.

Commitments, though.

Damn, that lights a fire under your ass.

Commitments are grounded in discipline. A commitment is a promise you make to yourself that you will, come hell or high water, make happen. No excuses. It’s saying to yourself, “This might be hard, I might want to take a break at times, I might even want to give up, but I will do this.”

Sometimes with commitments, we overpromise and that’s okay. The key is we committed, we pushed to make it happen. We dedicated our decisions and time and efforts to pushing forward and keeping our promise, our commitment, to ourselves. It’s changing your mindset from “I want” to “I will.”

Once again, mindset is everything. So, are you team GOALS or are you team COMMITMENT?

Feb4

Jake, we love you; a child’s perspective on death.

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Jake, we love you; a child’s perspective on death.

Children astound me. This girl amazes me. Everyday.

This morning before school we FaceTimed Big Jake, my brother Travis’ dog. Jake is only about 6 months older than Evelynn. When we lived with my parents and on the east side, she spent a lot of time with him. Travis is putting Jake down today because of how unwell he’s doing. We’ve known this day would come for a while now and it’s finally hit a point where Travis can’t put it off any longer.

Death is a difficult subject to handle and kids can simultaneously amplify the difficulty & break it down into such simple terms. We always tell Evelynn the dead remain within us if we allow them to; are no longer suffering. Sometimes, she will feel the need to want to visit a gravesite to say hi, needing something tangible. She didn’t quite understand an idea that someone was simply gone, she needed an idea that they still exist around us and so I’ve allowed her to create and expand her own view on death and after. 

She has a picture of her great grandmother Goetz & I’ll catch her in her room having a full-blown conversation with great grandma Goetz. Telling her what’s going in her life or that she misses her but is thankful she’s “still here with us.” She has a toy dog that barks when there’s movement nearby and sometimes, we will hear it randomly bark—she’s convinced it’s because of ghosts, specifically her great grandma Goetz. She calls it her proof.

My views with religion and God are tumultuous. You don’t grow up with a brother like Taylor, watching him suffer and smile and not be confused about a greater power. And yet, over the years, my views have simplified. Took me 25 years to grapple with my religious views, but I finally understood them.

Evelynn is 7 and seems to already know where she stands regarding an afterlife. She calls it a new “city.” So, this morning, she told Jake she loves him, goodbye, she will miss him, and that she hopes (no, she knows) he will enjoy his new city and she will see him again one day. 

Jake is an amazing dog. Always very protective of Evelynn while everyone else could basically handle things themselves. When another dog would run at Evelynn to knock her over when she was only 2 years old, Jake would body slam that dog like NOT TODAY SATAN. When Evelynn wanted to visit the llamas on the edge of my parents’ property, Jake would stand guard, barking and making sure she didn’t get too close; he didn’t like them hissing. Jake always allowed Evelynn to treat him like a jungle gym or her personal chair, his patience with her was mind blowing.

So Jake, we love you, goodbye, we will miss you, we hope you enjoy your next city. 

Feb2

I don’t mind dancing alone.

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I don’t mind dancing alone.

One of the best compliments I’ve ever been given was, “She’s not a woman who needs a man or who is scared to be on her own, that’s a woman who is independent and completely secure on her own.”

They’re not wrong.

I do date. I will relentlessly put myself out there, as my dating history has shown over the years, but I ultimately choose who I want to be with. I have no qualms about turning someone down. I will not force feelings. Sometimes, I’ve gotten it wrong and allowed a man to tear me down but in the end, I always get up. I always leave what’s no longer worth my time (& time is my most valued currency). I always realize my worth. I always choose to walk alone instead of being treated like a last thought.

And I don’t just walk, I freaking dance.

I’m a firm believer that you can simultaneously choose to be with someone and make them a priority if you want to. Hell, I’ve turned guys down simply because my busy lifestyle in certain stages won’t allow me to make a relationship a priority. 

Reality is everyone is an option, they should be. You should not need someone in your life to determine your happiness, worth, or outlook on the world. The best thing is knowing someone doesn’t need you but they want you. They wake up choosing you. Above everyone else, they’re not only choosing you but they’re not even trying to look for someone else. They have to earn to be in your life just as you earn to be in theirs. It’s a partnership—it takes two to tango, one can’t do it all.

My last three relationships I jumped into. I let the man decide the pace of the song & the status of our relationship. When they wanted to be exclusive, we were. When they got distant and didn’t communicate, I allowed them to act like I was hardly a back of mind thought. I allowed them make me question my worth for a period of time.

I’m not proud of any of this.

And yet, I always find my independence again. At the close of each relationship, I’m reminded what I compromised. I find myself again and it’s my favorite thing about a breakup.

I love the freedom of dancing alone, selecting my own song to groove to.

I also love the freedom of whom I choose to dance with; when we create a peaceful symphony of harmonies & melodies.

Key word: freedom.